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| I've never been this sure in my life. I think I'm *gasp* expired. Either I should just seal the deal with Mr.Round, or go through hasty and sleepless nights dreaming of some prince charming.
The thing about settling down is, you have to be a damn good supporter and manipulator of yourself so you don't end up beating up yourself when it's all over and done. Oh this feels like high school all over again.
In high school, I was *gasp* quite popular. So in effect, I was so confused about all these guys vying for attentions. I didn't make any decision until the last two month of my senior year. And it's because simply, I thought I HAD to have a high school boyfriend before I graduated.
So I picked the most persistence, the one who spent the most money, the one who went the most out of his way for me. Even though I didn't like him. And then I grew to like him. Of course my bitchy side broke it off, because I never liked him in the first place. I just liked the idea of having a high school boyfriend. And also, having a boyfriend is a surefire way of getting rid of those stalkers.
So at what point in my life that I was with someone just because purely I like him? not because the clock is ticking, not because everyone in my life seems to get married, not because I can't take multiple phone calls and get tired of what I've said and whom I said to on dates?
I want to be with someone because I want to. Not because the world tells me to.
But of course, I've written somewhere along this line like a hundredth time. I wonder when I will ever actually find true love.
So back to my original train of thought. Should I seal the deal with Mr.Round? I don't think there is any sparks between us. Or EVER. Well I like his friend though, so maybe I should just go for it. The thing that I wonder is, why ms.super active tried to chase Mr.Round's friend and he's not so much as blinking an eye.
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| Oh boy, so in reference to this crazy dude, I have decided to be a bigger girl and told him that he freaked me out and maybe we should just give it a rest. Sorta like a time out. And he ignored me.
So my attempt to mend whatever friendship level that we were on (to be honest, there wasn't any friendship between us, but I've broken enough relationships in my life to create a small army of txsupergirl haters) was completely ignored and hence, failed.
And this crazy dude, nonetheless, he re-added me as friend in facebook, and I started to wonder, "WTF, you de-friended me?" and I would've just ignored his request for like a week or two before actually (maybe) added him again as a friend, IF he didn't write, "got caught up in a moment, peace?"
I was perplexed. I mean, how can someone who's mentally stable, choose to de-friend someone on facebook because a girl asked for a time out? I mean, if this was a devastating break up, or we've been in a serious long term relationship and I broke his heart to pieces because I ran away with some random dude, fine, I'd accept that he doesn't want to have anything that reminded me of him.
But this wasn't. This wasn't anything. This was just two acquaintances, who happened to be facebook friends, and decided to catch up and meet for coffee 4 times.
There was no meeting with the parents, there was no anxiousness of having to look your best for dates (because they were not actual dates), and there was no sense of chemistry that told two people they should take the next step.
None.
If he couldn't even handle the fact that I actually hang out with other people, if he can't handle me in friendship level, how can there be a future for us? And I'm not talking about future as in future husband and the father of my kids future, although according to him, my narrow hip wouldn't allow me to do just that, but even a future of friendship. I mean, you wouldn't wanna be friends with a nut job either, would you?
With that said, I clicked "ignore" button. Because frankly, he has failed the friendship test. And I have too many acquaintances on facebook anyway.
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| I've heard lots of people told me to just pick one guy who can provide for me, and then because everyone eventually goes bald and wrinkly anwyay, it wouldn't matter what they look now. Because looks will fade overtime.
Also, people seem to tell me to just pick a guy whom I can genuinely have fun with, because none of the other things would matter if you can't enjoy life with your significant other.
Another batch of people tells me just to stick it with the guy who loves me the most. The guy who would never break my heart because he knows he can't get any better than me.
I tried dating each and every guy for these reasons, and they are all failed. I have yet to find the delicate balance, or forced myself to learn to balance those terms, when it comes to guys. What is it about me that couldn't possibly maintain a healthy long term relationship?
I finally come to one conclusion. With every single decision whether I should pursue this relationship or not, there is always one ultimate question. Where will we grow old?
I really really want to grow old close to home. Close to my parents, and close to my old friends. I perceive anything that I'm currently doing or where my adventurous nature's taking me, as a place with an expiration date. I don't really have any desire to plant my root in anywhere else far away from home.
Maybe because I've never found anyone that I consider home. The one whom I could consider no matter what happens, I will always feel like home with them. I could never tell that anyone is strong enough to be my anchor, except my own family. I just can't see myself raising a family, or growing old, with my parents far away. And of course, being a girl, it's very common for the girl to follow where the guy would end up.
Anyway, my point is, I can't see myself settling down with anyone, if I know that there's a possibility that someday, life choices would force me to live far away from my hometown.
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| So I met my one of my college friends for a drink a couple days ago. The conversation went like this:
boy: I'm seriously looking for a wife right now.
me: Uh huh
boy: You know, we're at that age.. Age to settle down and have a family
me: Sure
boy: You're not that bad. I'll make you my wife, but I need to do some more research on how you can give birth. Your hip is so narrow I don't think normal healthy baby can pass through.
me: Err.. excuse me, when did I agree to carry your off springs?
boy: I'm just telling you, that you're not bad... and I think I'm willing to make you my wife. But the hip thing still bothers me.
me: K. I have to go. I just remembered that I have doctor's appointment to enlarge my hip.
Get the F out of here. And people ask me why I'm still single.
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| I finally realized, that I can't fake chemistry. If chemistry is not there, it will take a LOT of faking to get there. If it ever gets there. I looked back and I realized that no matter what my fixation on mr. jerk was, it's just another ploy that I pull so I could never be in a healthy relationship. because then, I would have to settle. because then, I would have to be tied down. because then, I could be heartbroken again.
I looked back to my relationship, if you can call that a relationship, with mr. jerk. and there was really nothing there. we don't have the same background, we don't work in the same field, we don't even have anything to talk about. yet i keep hanging onto this grandeur hallucination of him that I've been hopelessly trying to hold on to, shielding myself from great potential relationships.
I went on several dates with great potential mates, and I just can't feel the chemistry. No matter how much my brain tried to rationalize that the man sitting in front of me drinking a 5 dollar latte was in fact, a pretty good catch and in fact, he was everything that would make me and my family happy, i just can't deny that he is just not good enough for me. The things that matters to me the most. Being with someone who makes me laugh. Who makes me feel I can be anything i want to and not to have feeling sorry about it.
Maybe my shield was too strong for anyone to break down, but the truth is, I'm trapped on the other side too. My strength alone would never be able to break down the barrier. If someone comes along, who's strong enough to help me break the barrier, then maybe, I will let him in.
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