txsupergirl's Xanga

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:16:38 GMT

I finally realized, that I can't fake chemistry. If chemistry is not there, it will take a LOT of faking to get there. If it ever gets there. I looked back and I realized that no matter what my fixation on mr. jerk was, it's just another ploy that I pull so I could never be in a healthy relationship. because then, I would have to settle. because then, I would have to be tied down. because then, I could be heartbroken again.

I looked back to my relationship, if you can call that a relationship, with mr. jerk. and there was really nothing there. we don't have the same background, we don't work in the same field, we don't even have anything to talk about. yet i keep hanging onto this grandeur hallucination of him that I've been hopelessly trying to hold on to, shielding myself from great potential relationships.

I went on several dates with great potential mates, and I just can't feel the chemistry. No matter how much my brain tried to rationalize that the man sitting in front of me drinking a 5 dollar latte was in fact, a pretty good catch and in fact, he was everything that would make me and my family happy, i just can't deny that he is just not good enough for me. The things that matters to me the most. Being with someone who makes me laugh. Who makes me feel I can be anything i want to and not to have feeling sorry about it.

Maybe my shield was too strong for anyone to break down, but the truth is, I'm trapped on the other side too. My strength alone would never be able to break down the barrier. If someone comes along, who's strong enough to help me break the barrier, then maybe, I will let him in.

How Far Are You Willing to Go?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:06:38 GMT

When do you know it's time to leave?

When I started to question where's this relationship going?

I packed my bags and thought I was ready to leave, but the feeling of sadness suddenly hit me halfway out the door. I've been holding on to this relationship for too long I can't admit to myself that I have failed. Failed for god knows how many times. I can't face the fact that I have to say goodbye anymore. There are too many goodbyes already.

I just wanted someone who would hold me dearly, who loves me no matter what I am or where I am in life.

Is it me, or is it him? Obviously us don't work anymore.

I looked upon facebook and came across a really nice picture of mr. jerk and his new gf. they look happy. even him, can find happiness in life. but what about me?

Here i am, a year and a half later, I still shed tears and my heart stopped a little when I thought about where I am in life. everything just doesn't go as it should. my relationship with my sister is broken, we grew apart, and i didn't even know her anymore. I kept making wrong decision about men, and my achievements seem so minuscule compared to everything else.

I, for once, am really sad.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:37:41 GMT

So I've been wondering on how do you know when you actually ready to settle down.

Maybe for me, it's not because I find the one, it's because I realize that it's time. Truth to be told, I want to live in my early twenties forever, I mean, who likes growing old and mature?

For once, I like to throw away my inhibitions and responsibilities, and just enjoy life.

But we all know this wouldn't happen. Just like a bad dream, I need to wake up and realize that, life, is not as easy as it may seem.

Oh, didn't we use to go to college together?

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:33:45 GMT

The answer is yes, but you were too busy to notice me in my pre-boobs and pre-make up stage during those glorious moments of your life.

Out of the blue, this dude from college message me on facebook. I guess we took one class together. Maybe. I'm not sure. I know I ran into him a couple of times in the computer lab.

In fact, I am not even sure how he looks like in real life. But anyway, he asked me out this coming Friday, and I agreed. So here goes. He has a round face so let's call him Mr.Round.

Several reasons my parents don't really approve of him.
1. He's from different Chinese race, hence speaks different dialect.
2. He called me up to ask me up. Yes, my mom was perplexed when he asked me out of the blue. I mean here's a guy, who seems to be a normal guy (dunno if he turns out to be crazy, but at least so far he's normal), my mom said he probably calls every girls and asks them out. Nothing special about me. -_- Way to go to boost my self confidence, mom.

Why are parents in the equation, some of you might wonder. Because my parents know him since his college days and they were there when he asked me. Wrong move, Mr.Round. Now I can't really throw my parents off the equation.

Anyway, my mom still likes Mr.Newt more. Their logic is, Mr.Newt is so shy that he won't have eyes for any other girls. Ok. Maybe. I don't know.

Let's see how it goes this friday. Should be pretty interesting.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:36:36 GMT

I met some people from church this past weekend and the conversation went like this:

    Boy: How long have you lived in this area?
    Me: Hmm maybe around 3 months (actually it's more like 5 months)
    Boy: It took you 3 months to contact us? What have you been doing all this time?
    Me: Umm.. just hangin out.. with nobody *looking down*

Yes. I am an anti-social. And I already discounted my moving date by 2 months. LOL.

So, I decided to let go of toxic friends and to hover from friends to friends. I used to think you were defined by your friends. Now i just couldn't care less.

Insecurity

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:45:58 GMT

Xanga, to me, is like an old steady friend who would always be there when I fall.

I know, I haven't been blogging much when I'm in relationship. I suck. I know it. You know it. The hobo knows it. Everyone and their mothers know it.

But, when I'm in relationship, I just refused to see the red flags. I know, it's stupid. Everyone and their mothers know it's stupid. By writing them down, the red flags become very clear. And I can't run from it anymore, nor I can pretend that there weren't any red flags. I was in denial.

I refused to talk to anyone, asked for help, or even discussed this with my closest best friend. Why? Because my stupid ego told me not to.

So in an effort to be more happy, I am learning how to let go of my gigantic ego. After all, I overcompensate on ego because I was too insecure of myself. So what if I picked the wrong guy and then realized how stupid I was within the first 2 months. So what? Isn't it smarter than prolong the ordeal for over a year?

*sigh*

I always say I now know better, but never really do it. But we're all progressing in some way or the other. And now, I have xanga as my backbone. I will write what I like and dislike, so it's clear in writing.

So, back to square one. Okay, this is just some guys I have my eyes on. They haven't made any move, as I come off as a bitch and a psycho. Say all you want about first impression, but I will, however, try to change my perception of guys so my past don't haunt me and become a self fulfilling prophecy. (i.e. all men are just with me for my money and it really came true. WTF)

#1. Mr. Newt. I think he's okay looking guy, but my friend told me he looks like a newt. I think newt is cute, so this is NOT a degrading name.

#2. Mr. Ent. I like him. I like him right away, actually. I think it's his smile. Damn those pearly whites. I'm a total sucker for pearly whites. I'm smitten again. He's not THAT good looking, but he is my type. Like 100% my type. If I can create the perfect man, he will look just like him. Seriously. I bet ms.kdorama, if she sees Mr.Ent, she will laugh at me. Actually I can already hear her laughter.

While Mr.Newt charmed me with his kindness, Mr.Ent attracts me with his multi-faceted and a little bit complex life. Ok. Now step back and think. Should I be involved with someone who is always looking for the next best? What if I'm not his best? Should I be involved with someone who's settling? What if he suffer mid life crisis later on in life?

This is not to overly analyze men, but frankly, I have to look deep within myself to understand what I want in a man. I don't want a man who use me as a trophy. I don't want to be some guy's booty call, and I definitely don't want to be some guy's ATM. My number one complaint in relationship is that I never feel like I'm the girl. I feel like I'm equal to the guy, if not more. And for sure, I should stop coming off as one. I should stop coming off as I'm equal with the guys, and then compete with them. Because I'm not. I have to stop masking my femininity so I can be different, while in reality, I want to be feminine. I don't know why the thought of being feminine was repulsive to me, but it contradicts everything I do. Ok, fine, I'm weird, I'm twisted, and bitches be crazy.

Hmm. All interesting, all needs to be pondered and thought about. But of course, time to get out there and stop being such an anti social goddammit! Your prince charming would not knock on your door!

Okay, here goes. Be careful not to roll your eyes too hard it hurts.

#1. I am in search of a guy. A guy who knows what he wants, act on it, and then make time for me in his life. Adore me and respect me.

#2. I am happy with my life. I have a cute face, nice long straight shiny hair (seriously, sometimes I'm amazed how good my hair looks like in a picture). I have a nice body with all the curve. I have great parents who are well off financially and support me. I have a job that pays moderate and allow me to indulge in some exciting things in life.

Finally, I am happy that I have the courage to break away from unhealthy relationships and still have hopes that not all men are jerks.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:20:49 GMT

Ok, so while I am waiting for my next prince charming (who I swear to god this time I would not let him use me as a walking ATM), I thought I might do something to better myself.

Well, I've always tried to do something to better myself during my single time, but it's mainly towards material stuff. It's either I take on more responsibility at work because now I have more free time (i.e. no more happy hour date with bf or venturing to a new restaurant), and also because I feel so crappy about my failure in love life that I need to overcompensate some other aspect in my life, learning and acquiring new investment, but really never focus on the inner me.

So I took on more jobs, I read more books, I took more classes, and got my Master's degree. Hoping that if I keep myself busy enough, there will that special person who would come and make everything better.

But no. No more extra hours, no more extra classes, no more degrees, and no to certain types of books (like investing, how to run your own company, etc).

I want to be a better person, but I guess I just didn't have the time, especially if my closest circle of friends consist of this girl. Or this girl. Or maybe, I just didn't feel the need to do so, because most people I ran into are crazy!

See, I am a very bitter person by nature. I tell myself every day that I hate people. I even doodle on paper, "I hate people" everyday. I stalked happy looking people on facebook looking for their dirty laundry (which of course, i can't find). I spent every single night alone and didn't think any of it. I actually enjoyed being by myself, watching reruns on tv, and not feeling ashamed that I didn't have anyone to go out with.

Once in a while I lied to my friends that I went out with some other group of friends. But in reality, it was just me, law and order reruns, and my dog. So now, I will try to stop being so hateful. The last thing I want is a self fulfilling prophecy. My previous experiences had led me to believe that I don't have anything else to offer other than money.

Well, now since I'm broke, I am sick of working hard just so this douche can eat lobsters all he wants.

All this time, I was focusing on my career, my GPA, my achievement, while forgetting that there are things that are more important in life other than materials. I want to be caring to everyone, not just the person I'm in relationship with. I want to be friendly to everyone, not just those whom I feel I can gain something from. I want to be open to learn about others' personalities and appreciate them, not just those who have balls to approach me.

See, the problem with being an introvert with quite deluded self confidence is, I expect people to approach me. I don't approach people. I don't message friends on facebook just to catch up, I don't really call anyone, I don't really do anything. I wait. and wait. and then wait some more.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm not saying I will change myself, because last time I checked introvert can't really change. But I can do extra things, like attending more church meetings, participating in fund raising, or something. Of course, I would then need one day to recuperate after those very social settings. But if I have to live with that, it's fine. I mean, my prince charming can't just knock on my apartment door, or would he?

So, inspired by slate.com, I am starting my happiness project.

#1. Be closer to God. I have no idea, but it seems like church people are safer bet than bar hopping party goers. Besides, it's not like you have to follow all their rules, churches nowadays are pretty much desperate anyway so just pick and choose whichever you like. Maybe this phase in life is one of the reason why more women still believe in God than men. link to article here.
don't worry. I'm not going to be all mumbo jumbo about the meaning of afterlife or how I finally manage to find my divine epiphany. Or some crap like that. No. It's just easier to be nice when you're surrounding by nice people just as it's easy to be bitchy when you're surrounded by bitchy people. Hence, I signed up *gasp* for a retreat in a few weeks. Worse come to worse I'll just chug that wine during the silent self reflection period.

Ok. That's one. many things to go. But I have to start somewhere. My number one goal: Surround myself with nice people. No more bitchy, flirty, slutty girls to hang out with. Mom was right about bad influence.

#2. Learn to give up control.
Don't worry, the world is not going to end just because you trust someone.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:22:43 GMT

Dear all my ex-boyfriends: I hate you and I wish you never existed

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:36:15 GMT

So I found out that my douche-bag ex-boyfriend is dating some nice girl. I've known that the girl has had a crush on him since forever. Poor girl, I must say. I wanted to write him a note, but really don't see the reason why.

so here is my note:
i see you have a new gf. here's some guidance so she wouldn't end up like me. i believe you've grown since then, but just in case:

1. never ask her for money, even if you're in dire situation. ask your friend, your parents, anyone. NOT HER.
2. never let your sister gets too close to her, and don't let your sister or brother in law bring up money subject. EVER. on that note, don't let your bitchy friend gets to close to her either.
3. never ask her to do stuff. ANY stuff. including driving your car for 15 hours or upfront 7000 for your car. just because a girl is your gf, doesn't mean she will have to be by your side. it's NOT for better or worse (just yet)
4. don't try to make her jealous by eyeing other girl just because you can.
5. don't get a lapdance after she tells you not to. in fact, don't even bother to ask permission if you're going to ignore it.
6. respect her wish and don't do stuff so you can say sorry later.
7. don't EVER discuss your past relationship with her. EVER. she doesn't want to know about that girl, me, or any other girls.

just a word of warning, if you piss her off, there are lots of people who care for her. unlike me, i'm an anti-social so it doesn't matter much.

final word. grow up and be responsible. don't make the same mistake. remember. girlfriend is not wife. there is no better or worse.

but of course, i chickened out and didn't hit the send button.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:34:31 GMT

I've been reading tons and tons of article on the web and I came across this article that I really like. It's from allwomenstalk.com.

This is the 10 types of Men to stay away from.

1. Born complainers …
Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, you’ll always be too loud, too stupid, too happy…..Avoid him like you would the plague, you’ll never be good enough for him and he’ll just kill your self esteem.

2. ‘Damaged’ men …
… Who don’t want to be fixed. On your first date he’ll announce that he is not over his broken heart. On your tenth, you’ll realise that he isn’t just broken hearted; he enjoys it, and has made a solemn pact to never let anybody in again. His armour is so thick that you’ll never get through, so don’t waste your time trying.

3. Guys that love sports more then you …
Most guys will put a sport first at some point, but you know that he’ll be there for you if you need him. Guys who love sports too much, however, won’t care if the house is on fire or the babies crying, he’ll just want another beer and some “peace” to watch the match.

4. Men who analyse you …
He thinks he’s Freud, and analyses your every move, from the flavour of crisp you choose to what you watch on TV. He’ll sit with a smug smile, convinced that by labelling you he’ll be keeping you hooked. Soon he’ll be trying to “fix” you with his weird theories….bin him now.

5. Pretty-Pretty boys …
They will just leave you feeling ugly while he spends his time fixing his hair and acting more beautiful and delicate then you. Find a more masculine man, and leave him preening himself.

6. Mr. Im-Better-Then-Everyone …
He won’t do you any favours either. He’ll never smile, or be happy for you, and if you spend long enough with him you’ll start to despise the human race too. Leave him to feel smugly better than anyone, and go meet someone amazing.

7. Paranoid men …
Something gave them the green eyed monster, and it’s just never gone away. He’ll presume your cheating, hate anything that makes you look good and constantly accuse you of flirting with others. He won’t be happy until he’s the only person in your life, so bail now.

8. Men who just haven’t grown up …
These men refuse to get a job, blame everyone else for their laziness and unhappiness, and are constantly outraged that they are not respected. If he hasn’t grown up by now, chances are he’ll never take any responsibility, so stay well clear.

9. Cheaters …
Obviously, it doesn’t matter who this guy has waiting for him at home, if he sees somebody he likes, he’ll seduce them. Save yourself the heartache and live by the old saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, because if it wasn’t true, wouldn’t somebody have proved it wrong by now?

10. Cruel men …
The kind of man who gets off from the power of refusing to take you somewhere, or spend money on you, or any type of power at all. He won’t get better, and it’s not because he loves you. Walk away, as fast as you can

Ok, so by now i think i've dated all of them. Seriously.

txsupergirl's Xanga

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

How Far Are You Willing to Go?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Oh, didn't we use to go to college together?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Insecurity

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

1. Born complainers …Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, you’ll always be too loud, too stupid, too happy…..Avoid him like you would the plague, you’ll never be good enough for him and he’ll just kill your self esteem.

5. Pretty-Pretty boys …They will just leave you feeling ugly while he spends his time fixing his hair and acting more beautiful and delicate then you. Find a more masculine man, and leave him preening himself.

6. Mr. Im-Better-Then-Everyone …He won’t do you any favours either. He’ll never smile, or be happy for you, and if you spend long enough with him you’ll start to despise the human race too. Leave him to feel smugly better than anyone, and go meet someone amazing.

7. Paranoid men …Something gave them the green eyed monster, and it’s just never gone away. He’ll presume your cheating, hate anything that makes you look good and constantly accuse you of flirting with others. He won’t be happy until he’s the only person in your life, so bail now.

8. Men who just haven’t grown up …These men refuse to get a job, blame everyone else for their laziness and unhappiness, and are constantly outraged that they are not respected. If he hasn’t grown up by now, chances are he’ll never take any responsibility, so stay well clear.

10. Cruel men …The kind of man who gets off from the power of refusing to take you somewhere, or spend money on you, or any type of power at all. He won’t get better, and it’s not because he loves you. Walk away, as fast as you can

1. Born complainers …
Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, you’ll always be too loud, too stupid, too happy…..Avoid him like you would the plague, you’ll never be good enough for him and he’ll just kill your self esteem.

5. Pretty-Pretty boys …
They will just leave you feeling ugly while he spends his time fixing his hair and acting more beautiful and delicate then you. Find a more masculine man, and leave him preening himself.

6. Mr. Im-Better-Then-Everyone …
He won’t do you any favours either. He’ll never smile, or be happy for you, and if you spend long enough with him you’ll start to despise the human race too. Leave him to feel smugly better than anyone, and go meet someone amazing.

7. Paranoid men …
Something gave them the green eyed monster, and it’s just never gone away. He’ll presume your cheating, hate anything that makes you look good and constantly accuse you of flirting with others. He won’t be happy until he’s the only person in your life, so bail now.

8. Men who just haven’t grown up …
These men refuse to get a job, blame everyone else for their laziness and unhappiness, and are constantly outraged that they are not respected. If he hasn’t grown up by now, chances are he’ll never take any responsibility, so stay well clear.

10. Cruel men …
The kind of man who gets off from the power of refusing to take you somewhere, or spend money on you, or any type of power at all. He won’t get better, and it’s not because he loves you. Walk away, as fast as you can